“A woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tyres or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it.” (Ella Gough)
“Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime and lots of happy, fat women.” (Nicole Hollander)
[BATTLE OF THE SEXES]
“No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.” (George Coote)
“The best way to get a husband to do anything is
to suggest that he is too old to do it.” (Felicity Parker)
“I remember the first time I had sex because I kept the receipt.” (Bill Brandis)
“An Australian guy’s idea of foreplay is, ‘Are you awake?'” (Paul Hogan)
“- Back to my place?
– Can two people fit under a rock?” (Rita Rudner)
“My love life is so bad I’m taking part in the world celibacy championship. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals.” (Guy Bellamy)
“- Stop that, son, you’ll go blind!”
– I’m over here, Dad!” (Anon)
“The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” (Woody Allen)
“The nice thing about a stalker – they’re always there for you.” Jenny Abrams
“When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman.” (Garry Shandling)
“I’m single by choice. Not my choice.” (Orny Adams)
“A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but she didn’t give a shit.” (Joan Rivers)
[CHILDREN AND FAMILY]
“I was su ugly as a kid, when I played in the sand pit,
the cat kept covering me up.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
“Fortunately, my parents were intelligent, enlightened people who accepted me
for what I was – a punishment from God.” (David Steinburg)
“I’ve given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.” (H. L. Mencken)
[MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE]
“Being complimented always embarrasses me. I always feel that they have not said enough.” (Mark Twain)
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” (Erica Jong)
“For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3.00 am.” (Steve Martin)
“My son has taken up meditation.
At least it’s better than sitting and doing nothing.” (Max Kauffmann)
“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens
and I got sick of not caring.” (Mitch Hedberg)
[HOLIDAYS AND CHRISTMAS]
“What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.” (Graham Norton)
[THE ANIMAL KINGDOM]
“Penguins mate for life. Which doesn’t exactly surprise me that much ’cause they all look alike – it’s not like they’re gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.” (Ellen DeGeneres)
“I bought a pedigree dog for £300.
My friend said, ‘Give me £300 and I’ll shit on your carpet.'” (Joan Rivers)
“A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s hot it works: if you spend $12.99 on the video, your dog is smarter than you.” (Jay Leno)
[HOLLYWOOD AND FILM]
“I don’t like magic, because I try to figure out how it’s done, and I get frustrated. Just like porn videos.” (Garry Shandling)
“I took a speed-reading course, and read War and Peace in 20 minutes.
It’s about Russia.” (Woody Allen)
“Oh fuck! Not another elf.”
(Hugo Dyson, editor, on a J. R. R. Tolkien manuscript)
“Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.” (Nancy Banks-Smith)
[INSULTS AND CURSES]
“- You’re fired.
– But, my lord, I’ve been in your family since 1532.”
– So has syphilis. Now get out!”
(Blackadder and Baldrick, Blackadder II)
“When you said you went to university, presumably it was to be studied by others.” (Anne Robinson)
“If the universe is expanding, why can’t I find a parking space?” (Woody Allen)
“I am on two diets at the moment because
you simply don’t get enough to eat on one.” (Jo Brand)